Suggestions for Restoring Civility to Society In These Days of Excessive Public Cell Phone Use

One of the gifts which the cell phone has bestowed upon society is that it often reminds us to take a breath and engage in leisure. Unfortunately, said leisure is often forced upon us while the cell phone user: drives his car well below the speed limit, trapping countless others behind him; engages in conversation at the supermarket checkout while others wait; or blocks the sidewalk as she strolls along, blithely sharing her private life with all and sundry, unaware that others are trying to pass. Notwithstanding, the leisure they enforce upon us is a fine reminder of our prelapsarian state, when fruit hung from all the tree, ready for eating, and when and leisure, not business, was the order of the day.

Aside from this benefit, however, cell phones are largely an annoyance, and merely another indicator of the dissolution of human culture. This seemingly innocuous piece of hardware is part of modern society's tendency to fragmentation and isolation; each person becomes an cyborgetic island, surrounded by laptops, cell phones, pagers, CD and DVD players, i-pods, walkmen, digital briefcases, and atomic powered umbrellas, all within the safety of one's SUV, those globe-warming living rooms on wheels. As one strolls down the street, there is rarely anyone to whom one can say hello; each individual is wrapped in an individual cybernetic haze, more like a dab of preprocessed cheese food than a real live human being. Perhaps John Donne lacked vision when he intoned that no man is an island, but I believe that he would agree with the idea that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Here, then, are some means by which we might deal with those who so freely share their private information and so carelessly infringe upon our rights to silence and private space. Please remember that these methods have been tested, at best, under lab conditions and not in the field, that Homo sapiens is a wonderfully unpredictable species, and that the reader alone takes responsibilities for any actions resulting from the application of these techniques.

One of my favorite methods to silence cell phone users is merely to stand next to them with my own cell phone and repeat whatever the phonehead might say. This technique works well even in its simplest form, but I have found that there are numerous variations. If, for example, you do not have a cell phone, improvise a substitute--a banana, a toy phone, or a bunch of grapes. I have also had success with shouting the conversation into my hat, a knapsack, or my armpit (be sure to glance furtively and frequently at the speaker for this last one in particular).

If the phonehead leaves, you have made the area safe for civilization once again; if, however, he makes no effort to reduce the volume of his voice but merely glares at you, I have discovered that a polite "Could you repeat that, please?" is a good tactic.

Or perhaps his conversation about stocks and bonds or last night's game is worth repeating, to everyone, but the manner in which he delivers this information is less than exciting. Proudly announce his words as Charlton Heston would, to the back row, with flourishes and lots! of! exclamation! points!!! It is less important to repeat every single word than it is to deliver those words with flare and panache!

Then again, perhaps not everyone understands the speaker's language. Does it need to be translated into Spanish? Armenian? Russian? (You need not actually speak any of these languages to try to help others who do--it's the spirit that counts). What about AmeSLan? Morse Code? Semaphore? One of my favorite languages is mime; I always carry white greasepaint with me in case it might be required for this purpose. Nothing will convince a cellphonie to move along more than the sight of a complete stranger with daubs of white paint on his face acting out the caller's sexual conquests (per his description) from the night before.

I like to pretend that I am a rogue archivist by standing next to the phonehead, glancing at him furtively, and taking notes on what he is saying. If he glares at me, I find that bobbing my head frenetically, as a parakeet would, provokes a response which is more curious than hostile in the phonehead.

People's private lives are not always as interesting as those sharing them on their cell phones would believe. Music, however, always makes people smile. Because I like to make people happy, I always carry a kazoo with me so that everyone, including the phonehead, can enjoy my rendition of Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant's Song," Hot Butter's "Popcorn" or Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries," to name just a few of my favorites. If you are not licensed to carry a kazoo (check your local statutes), remember that most anything can be used as a drum--walls, trashcans, your briefcase or your chest are just a few places to start pounding. Sonic poetry-the rhythmic (or arhythmic, depending on which school you belong to) production of random sounds, using only the instruments which Nature gave us-is a poorly understood artform; perhaps you could introduce the phonehead to some of your own compositions in this exciting tradition (which dates back to the Dadaists, if I'm not mistaken). And it can't hurt to carry a few extra kazoos with you, just in case others want to join in.

My wife, who is beautiful beyond my ability to describe her- her raised eyebrow alone is enough to cause the pineal glands of most men to start producing crude oil-likes to flirt shamelessly with phoneheads. She usually assures that she will not actually be approached by alternating her flirting with something gross and vicious, like challenging herself to see how much trail mix she can fit into her mouth at once or moaning slightly as she picks her toenails.

Many people are unaware of much of the great music that exists-in this world of bubblegum pop, most folks do not know that William Shatner has recorded several albums, and many folks are ignorant of (or just ignore) the wonderful voices of Mrs. Miller, Florence Foster Jenkins, or Leonard Nimoy. And what about the orchestral genius of Philip Glass Glass Glass Glass Glass Glass Glass Glass? Why not share it with them, via a boombox? It may temporarily irritate other, more polite, people, but they will thank you, eventually. And remember-it doesn't have be Christmas to play Harvey Fierstein's rendition of "Santa Baby!" I have found that dancing, cavorting, or otherwise interpreting music such as this is usually redundant, but feel free if the spirit moves you.

If you are with another person who feels the same way about cell phones in public as you do, you might start a competition to see who can make the best (read "loudest") animal sound. Elephants, siamangs and pterodactyls are my favorites; my wife Fayaway favors the macaw, the cat in heat, and the squealing and grunting wild boar. I find that making motions representative of the species helps me get into the spirit. It is my experience that other people in the crowd will join in, and soon the phonehead will be surrounded by the entire animal kingdom. He should be grateful for your efforts to reconnect him with nature.

The National Demonstration Project to Reduce Violent Crime and Improve Governmental Effectiveness brought approximately 4,000 participants to the United States capital from June 7 to July 30, 1993; by bringing all these meditators into one concentrated area, Transcendental Meditation® reduced homicides, rapes, and assaults by 48%. Meditation may also reduce the amount of cell phone usage. I have conducted experiments in which I sit in the lotus position next to the phonehead and voice my mantra (which is something like the sound "gleep" pronounced quickly and sharply-it was inspired by the call produced by the Green Gargantua in the now-classic film War of the Gargantuas). The caller will almost invariably leave the area, thus proving that meditation can make the world a better place for everyone.

If you are with a friend who insists on using their cell phone at a restaurant, teach them manners by taking the phone gently from their hands and using it for some purpose such as scratching your back, stirring your drink, or cleaning the excess wax out of your ears. This last use has a symbolic poignancy that could not be lost on the most culturally illiterate among us. You need not wait until the phone call is over. And remember that it is polite to wipe the instrument clean after you have used it.

Another means by which one may convince cell phoners that their calls are less than welcome is to reproduce, by whatever means possible, the sounds of places from which phone calls it might be considered insulting to receive a phone call. When I don't have a boom box with a recording of a flushing toilet, I regale the phonehead with a passable imitation of one; I also yell out "Hey, c'mon buddy, finish up in there-I really gotta go!" followed by the sound of very wet flatulence (my experiments have shown that pretend or real has much the same effect). A loud and protracted groan, followed by the words "Boy, I think that's the longest one I've ever made!" is also effective. One need not be the same gender as the caller for this to be effective.

Another place from which callers may be embarrassed to be heard calling is a strip club. A boom box playing music commonly heard in burlesque shows, and the announcement of "Here she is, gents, give it up for Diabolica, Queen of Poonarama-boy, she really knows how to work that pole!" or some such nonsense, will go a long way in convincing the caller that he should move elsewhere. One could also try a little cross pollination by giving the phoner's audience cause to imagine that a male caller frequents such places as Chippendale's. If you happen to know the caller's name, announcing that he or she is on in five seconds, urgently, is another option.

I have come up with these methods not to annoy, but to convince adherents of the Cell Phone that the world is not their phone booth, and that they ought not share their technophilia with the rest of us. Thus do we move ever forward into that post-technological paradise that awaits us all, a world of defunct cell phones, cars recycled into tin toys, and smashed clocks. Opportunities are all about us! Doubt not, o poets, but persist--go forth into that world, full of invisible radio waves and their minions, and convince their slaves to rise up and be free--they have nothing to lose but their chains!

And remember, you are doing this to educate the phonehead. Act accordingly! Always smile-grinning like an idiot is also an option, and may save you from being struck-and say "please" when you ask that the caller speak louder or more slowly, or when you ask to borrow his or her cell phone. If everyone employed these tactics just once a day, the world would sooner be a quieter, more civilized place. Future generations will thank you for it.

No doubt you have already come up with a few other possibilities, so I will leave you to them--and feel free to write me, and I will have them added here, with credit. My email address is nodotus at yahoo dot com . I have faith that others will provide even better methods for reducing the amount of noise in the world than those I have provided here!