Martial arts cinema and prankster attorneys are just a few of the many sources that serve as beautiful vehicles for those whose eternal goals include achieving a communal Nirvana that no drug could mimic (which is why I write most of the items on these pages). The partaking of choicest martial arts flicks sends another microchip of your brain’s ghost-cells throughout the light of the Internet Highway, inching tiny particles of your soul into that permanent euphoria that all neato folks will, one fine evening, party within.
Which brings me to Chocolate, the current rage of Thailand’s martial arts cinema. This film is the film debut of twenty-five year old martial arts cutie JeeJa Yanin, whose kick-ass work will blow you away. It also helps that Yanin is cute-as-a-button. On top of that, this battle-chick can act! She plays an autistic gal named Zen who develops a savant talent for martial arts. She grows up in an apartment overlooking a Thai Kick-Boxing studio, and spends her days mimicking the boxers moves. Like a gateway drug, this leads her to viewing classic Kung-Fu cinema, where she not only imitates their moves, but perfects the contemporary art of wily Kung-Fu screams and chirps while karate-chopping foes into oblivion.
The plot that follows is standard martial arts fare (Zen’s mother has leukemia, is owed money by local businesses who don’t intend to pay up, so Zen and her sole buddy hit the shops to collect), but the performances and fight sequences make this film something special (no retard pun included here—seriously). JeeJa Yanin gets the nuances of an autistic person down pat, and maintains that “savant focus” during her fight sequences.
I don’t know if the DVD I rented is the only version currently on the market. If it is, the only major drawback comes in the English Subtitles. Whoever the fuck translated the dialogue had no clue about the English language. I’m not talking about the bad English subtitles we used to see in Hong Kong films where you understood the dialogue but chuckled at the grammatical mistakes. The subtitling in Chocolate will leave you baffled, clueless over what people are saying to each other. That said, this film still gets high marks from Vandal Drummond!
A funny sidenote— I’ve read several reviews of Chocolate that complain that the plot is “far-fetched.” Fuck me, a martial arts movie with a far fetched plot??? File these goof-troop reviews under “DUH.”
Now— Go straight to Bob Barnett’s website at Bobbarnett.com and order the video Lanomania. Who is Bob Barnett and what is Lanomania? Bob Barnett sports one of the finest video collections of any wrestling aficionado, and is an attorney at law who is one of society’s finest pranksters. I’ve known Bob for nearly twenty years, and I’m not about to praise this video simply because Bob’s a great guy. He’s the coolest, but Lanomania is a video that rocks, even with my bias set aside! Lanomania is Bob’s trippy video compilation of the misadventures of Dr. Mike Lano, one of pro wrestling’s well known hanger-ons. I have heard about this vid through multiple sources, but you have not experienced “bad acid” until you have taken the bizarre video journey through Lano’s work as a wrestling manager, public access TV show host, and photographer.
The best way to administer this DVD into your cerebral lighting system is to start by watching chapter four on the DVD menu entitled “Jim Cornette Rips On Lano.” The reason I suggest you start at this midway point and then go back to the beginning of the DVD is that wrestling icon Jim Cornette sets the stage for the folly that follows. At a Q&A session with wrestling fans that took place in the early 90s, Cornette tells a hysterical string of Lano stories, many of which are documented here on the DVD. You get a good sense of who Mike Lano is before witnessing his unintentionally bizarre cable access show, his confusing ramblings when appearing on a wrestling show in Northern California (he is introduced on this show by Ron Hed, who is another one of pro wrestling’s most talented pranksters), and an homage paid in the form of a pro wrestler in New England who names himself “Mike Lano.” This homage includes the Lano character receiving a thorough hotel room beat-down from Mae Young and the late great Fabulous Moolah. Perhaps nothing is more hysterical than the DVD opening sequence where Lano works as the manager of Sabu and The Sheik on a wrestling show. Following the match, Lano returns to ringside as—a photographer! Yes, with no effort to change his identity, the evil manager returns as John Q Citizen to snap photos of the following match! No wardrobe change, nothing!
A Guajardian paradox if ever I have seen one, Bob Barnett’s brilliant video compilation pulls you into a confusing mind whose lack of focus languishes to the point that you will find yourself screaming “Pass the cough syrup to the next junkie, I swear I’m never touching anything that could induce this nightmare again! Stop! Stop!” Andy Warhol’s most focused prodigy could never have produced a film that would leave an audience so pleasantly confused. This video must be experienced. Bob, television sets hold a great range of karma thanks to your efforts!