Neo Apocrypha*
(Revisionism, the 23rd Psalm and its relationship to FĂsico Nuclear)
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(The artist formerly known as Vivman)
The lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He maketh me drink decaf;
He cutteth my hair with the Flowbee™
He watcheth Kung Fu movies;
He also asketh me to "Pull his finger."
What do you suppose that means?
Oh and there was that time he made me
wear the Virgin Mary's wedding gown...
Yea, though I walk through the
Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I shall fear no evil;
For I have been desensitized by
TV violence
Cryptic indeed, yet mysteriously lucid. A paradox? Nay, all true genius transcends the banal; A new order of understanding (meta-understanding) must be reached to glean the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so help me god). Fisico cautions us in the above Psalm not to be deceived by false prophets. That is clear. However, a subtle subtext is woven in its' gossamer tapestry. In his wisdom, he has provided a means to view this most precious gift. If you hold this powerful missive to your nose, wait for your eyes to blur, and then slowly draw away, as if by epiphany, the teachings become clear...too clear for some. The messages are legion; too numerous to list in this conspicuously finite tome. Here is a partial listing of what has been revealed to us to so far: Nirvana is MORE than a grunge band from Seattle; Lee Harvey Oswald did not only act alone but acted badly; If you combine a pope with an anti-pope you are a lot better off; Copernicus had it wrong; Too much is never enough; With four, you don't always get egg roll; Opium is the religion of the masses; There is not much original about sin; If you continue to turn the other cheek you will get dizzy; and If you have a bird in the hand, carry a tissue.
Why is all this knowledge contained in a Psalm-like substance? Heresy? Blasphemy? Bad taste? We really don't know. That is what makes it so Erie. Scholars have puzzled over this very question for Centuries. The unexpurgated Psalm above is believed by many to be the true 23rd Psalm. The Catholic church (Specifically, Thomas Aquinas, Francis of Assisi, and the Flying Nun), The Magi, The Free Masons, Jackie Mason, and Mason Reece were (and are) actively suppressing the truth contained within the prophetic epistle. Again scholars speculate that they feared if this knowledge was disseminated to the people, a global panic ("A great swallowing of tongues") would ensue. More importantly, this "meta-understanding" would compel all the world's religions to acknowledge the existence of El Fisico Nuclear the Transcendent. This was of particular concern for the Catholic church as they saw this as a direct threat to the sales of plastic dashboard messiahs. Thus began the terrestrial cover-up and the rewriting of theology and history. El Fisico, aware of the treachery, left clues to his existence. The earliest of these clues can be found in the granite carvings on a mountain in Hunan Province and on an island in Lake Tungting. These carvings have been evaluated to be approximately 47,000 years old. Can these illustrations be of El Fisico himself? Prove that they are not! Further evidence can be found in the ancient Indian text "The Book of Dzyan." This anthology of legends clearly describes being(s) not unlike Mr. Nuclear. It was not until 1947 when a poor shepherd boy happened upon the Dead Sea Scrolls in the great expanse of the middle eastern desert. Once again light illuminated the truth and the original Psalm was rediscovered. Accident, kismet or syncronicity? Not coincidentally this was the same year as the Roswell "Incident."
Experts continue to uncover more encoded secrets in the 23rd Psalm. Other Writings and/or events are believed to have been either penned or directly influenced by El Fisico. To date: the Magna Carta; the secret prophecy contained in the Fatima letter to Pope Paul VII; the lyrics to Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"; Friedrich Nietzche's concept of the "Aoebermench"; all of Yoko Ono's music; the Rosetta Stone; The Publishers Clearing House mailer; the '70s pop pap icon J; The Rolling Stone's "Voodoo Lounge Tour"; the phrase "Ask me how to lose weight now!"; The Gettysberg Address; and most of the Zane Grey novels are currently being considered.
The overwhelming evidence mandates that we not caste a blind eye to the fact that El Fisico Nuclear has influenced and IS influencing of lives. I for one am comforted by that knowledge. In closing I can only add to the El FĂsico neophytes - Do not fear El Fisico, embrace him.
* Enlarged to show texture, Batteries not included, For external use only, Dolphin safe, Cruelty free, Free range, Massage onto scalp...rinse...repeat...